| Symptom: | Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front wet. |
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| Fault: | Mouth not open while drinking, or glass being applied to wrong part of the face. |
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| Remedy: | Buy another pint and practise in front of mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. |
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| Symptom: | Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear. |
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| Fault: | Glass empty. |
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| Remedy: | Find someone who will buy you another beer. |
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| Symptom: | Feet cold and wet. |
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| Fault: | Glass being held at incorrect angle. |
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| Remedy: | Turn glass the other way up so that the open end is pointing towards the ceiling. |
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| Symptom: | Feet warm and wet. |
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| Fault: | Loss of self control. |
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| Remedy: | Go and stand next to the nearest dog - after a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training and demand a pint in compensation. |
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| Symptom: | Bar moving. |
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| Fault: | You are being carried out. |
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| Remedy: | Find out if you are being taken to another pub - if not, complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked. |
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| Symptom: | Bar swaying. |
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| Fault: | Air turbulence unusually high, maybe due to darts match in progress. |
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| Remedy: | Insert a broom handle down back of jacket. |
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| Symptom: | You wake up and you find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. |
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| Fault: | You have spent the night in the gutter. |
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| Remedy: | Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not, treat yourself to a lie-in. |
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| Symptom: | Everything has gone dark. |
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| Fault: | The pub is closing. |
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| Remedy: | Panic! |
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